confuzzled.

Honestly, I don't know how I am at the moment. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm miserable.

Don't use bodies as bandaids.

But how can I not? The only way to forget someone is by surrounding yourself with tons of people. The right ones, though. Not those fake ones.

Being around the right people helps me heal.
So thanks to those who stand by me in this long period of..I don't know what to call it. Just, thanks.

Your smile. Your everything, actually.
Vanilla ice cream.
Melted marshmallows.
him being alone.
Different things but the same effect on me ---

happiness.

my eyes burn from these tears.

All the emotions I tried to keep to myself were exposed to the public last night. It was really unexpected. It's just one of those things wherein I couldn't control what I felt anymore. I seriously didn't want that to happen, it just did. The song played, and for the first time in a long time I felt every single emotion I had in me all at the same time. I've never reacted like that to that song. I never felt the pain that intensely. I mean, sure, it would hurt before, but never like last night.

I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why.
Everything I kept to myself was out in the open.
I never wanted that.
I never wanted people to see me at my weakest.
I never wanted people to know that it still hurts.
Because most of the time, it doesn't.
But on moments that it does, the pain is unbearable.
I guess it was too much to handle.

My guts were spewed all over the fuckin floor.
It was a painful thing to watch.
My eyes are still swollen from all the drama.
It feels good though.
It feels good to put it all out there.

Did it feel good to watch me break down?

I wish it could just be simple..

like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me."
Boom. End of story.
We all live happily ever after.
But it is never really like that, is it?

John Tucker Must Die

I wish it was.
Then I wouldn't even have to bother wasting my time dreaming of him.

I want you so bad that it isn't even funny anymore.
I want him to want me.

I need you to need me.

Sit back and relax.

Watch it all fall back into place, or fall apart.
It hurts to see it all fade away. I just wish I could see it in his eyes.
I wish he needs me as much as I need him.
Can I not like you for a while?
But then again, I wish you would notice me. I know it's impossible.
Yet impossible is nothing.
Too many thoughts. I'm telling all of you, never leave me alone. It's dangerous for me. And for him.

If I could sleep walk to him, then I would.
So then I could say I killed him in my sleep.
Because I don't think I could do it awake.
When I'm awake, I kill myself slowly. So there's clearly no time to waste on plotting his death.
Too busy burying myself alive.





I'm back here.
I can't believe it.

Sit back and relapse.

If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We always used to have these outings. You know, the overnight ones. I probably was the most excited for them before. Until a few weeks ago when we had another one. Wasn't really up for it. I wasn't looking forward to anything. You see, I was only excited for these trips before because I'd get to spend more time with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to spend time with my friends, too. But he got me excited the most. The thought of being with him for over 24 hours was amazing.

So it was my first outing after the youknowwhat with youknowwho. I thought everything would be okay because my friends were there to keep me preoccupied. And then sleeping time came. And I was left there with my thoughts. I started regretting even going to that thing. When you leave me with my thoughts, this is what comes of it.


And as I sat in the darkness, I remembered how I never was alone at times like this.
I always had him.
Then I tell myself, "Drink, don't think."
And so I do.

Only this time, it's not enough.

You don't know what you do to me.

One moment could turn your life upside down.
Seeing you was probably the best thing that has happened to me.
You helped me up when I was face down on the dirt.



Sad thing is you don't even know it.

senses fail.

I picked up a very familiar scent some days ago.
Something I haven't smelled in about 15 weeks.
That scent is the one I would wake up to on some summer days.
It always made me feel safe.
Like I was home.
Like I had nowhere else to be but in his arms.
His scent made me feel like everything was going to be okay.
In a sense that no matter what would happen, he'd be right beside me, protecting me from the world.
I guess I got so used to him protecting me that when he let go, all I felt was fear.
Imagine 3 months full of nothing but fear.
Fear of nothing in particular.
Fear of everything.
It's crazy how that scent sent all these thoughts to this screen.
I'm tired of thinking of him.
It's exhausting.

thank you.

you don't know how much that meant to me.

no words can express how i feel right now.
bliss. even that won't do.

Expect the unexpected.

A simple yet very meaningful word of advice or support from the most unexpected person at 4 in the morning [and the tears are pouring] can do wonders for one's heart and soul. I find it really bizarre how someone who doesn't even know you that well can clear things up for you in a jiffy.

Lately, I've been receiving messages from the people whom I least expect it from. Messages left by friends whom I haven't seen for the longest time. A simple offer of a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears to listen to your rantings. It's the simple things in life we forget. I've gotten support from the most unexpected people. People that I've only met recently, people that I've lost contact with, people who aren't close to me, and most of all, people who I didn't think would care. These people who, apparently, know how I feel and understand me (or at least try to) have, in a way, shown me the light. In this pitch-black tunnel that I've been traveling in for quite some time, I am guided to the end of it, to the light, by simple messages of concern, by quotes sent in the middle of the day, by unexpected answers to simple survey questions [i know, shallow], and by messages sent in the middle of the night.

I have found comfort and enlightenment in the most unexpected places,
from the most unexpected people.
And I'm loving it.
You people know who you are.
Thank you, from the bottom of my little black heart.

death is gonna catch up to all one day.

so i wonder why we have to try to look good for people.
people who would probably not notice us if we were "average."
i know, i sound so naive, but i'm not.
it just bewilders me that we do everything in our power to be "eye candy".

isn't it the inner beauty that counts?
i mean, what does it matter if you are 5'7", 115 pounds, and have the complexion of a goddess if you have no personality at all?
i miss the times when i never gave a damn about what people think about my appearance.
yes, they would criticize me, but it never really mattered.
all that mattered was that i was happy about who i was, and the people who cared about me saw the real me.
not my messy hair, baggy pants, or ginormous shirt that i used to wear.

i don't get the point in trying to look perfect for the public if in the end, we all end up in ashes or six feet under.
i don't get it, but i still do it.
i still WANT to look perfect, or at least good enough for people's eyes.

one thing i realized, though, is that even those people who care for me care about how i look on the outside, too.
maybe too much so that they don't see that what they say hurts me.
i guess, for me, the most unbearable pain is when you find out that people can't appreciate you for who you truly are anymore.
suddenly, your personality doesn't matter anymore.
and yet, here i am striving to be good enough for all of you.
i hope this doesn't kill me in the end.
i'm scared that it will.

secrets of august.

posts that i never published. i guess i was too afraid of how people would interpret these thoughts. the worst is over now. i think. so i bid goodbye to these secrets that i kept for myself.

08.23.07

stop filling my head with your opinions and observations.
stop convincing me that it still exists.
IT DOESN'T.


08.16.07

do you know how she felt when you ripped her heart apart?


did you not know that you meant the world to her?
and probably still do.


or did you just think she'd be over it in a blink of an eye?
just like you were.

you have stolen my heart.

and i don't think i want it back.
i'd rather sit here and feel nothing at all
than feel unloved by you.

I've accepted it. I think.

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Don't try, baby
Ain't no use in tryin', baby.

i want someone who's flesh and blood.

you aren't.
so i don't want you.

GET OVER IT.

SERIOUSLY.

"it would have happened sooner or later."

yes, it would have.
so i guess better sooner than later?

is there really a perfect time to get your heart shattered into a million pieces?
was that the perfect time, then?
i guess so. since what happens is meant to happen.
right?

no regrets, really.
or at least i think so.

thank you, though.
i'm happy now.
for what it's worth, i hope you're okay.

frustration.

sometimes i think they're all right about you.
but that's only when you piss me off.
when you don't,
i love you unlike any other.
why do you have to be so irritating at times?

i love you and all
but seriously
STOP.

i'm off to say my daily prayer.
save me from this.

oh well.

there's still tomorrow.

i want to know what tomorrow holds for me, but i'm just too afraid that i'd be disappointed.
i'm just sick and tired of disappointment, and anyone who knows me well enough knows that.

i disappointed you, didn't i?
aren't you used to it yet?
or maybe you're sick of it?
join the club, dude.
i'm sick of me, too.

shocker, anyone?

shocker - two in the pink, one in the stink.
- or go two entries back, and hopefully be shocked.

someone asked, so i answered. ;)

wtf?!

HOLY. i swear after i posted the last entry, "In A Rush" played. life could be so cruel. LMAO.

it came over me in a rush.

i knew all along that i would have to make the first move so that we could get things back to normal again.
i just didn't see that 'normal' would be this hard.
i admit that i feel awkward whenever i talk to you.
well, not talk to you talk to you since we haven't talked yet in the longest time.
but it just feels different now.
it's like i don't know you anymore.
do you feel that way, too?

i'm looking forward to the day when i could tell you that i forgive you.
for now, i'm still not ready.
i know i'm taking the risk of you getting mad at me by posting this for the world to see,
but this is the only way i could ever tell you how i really feel.
all those times that we talked, i was on auto-pilot.
except for that one sunday when i poured my heart out to you,
so far, that was the only real conversation we've had.
it honestly felt great to be talking to you about our problems, about our separate lives.
i missed talking to you.
i miss spending time with you.
i really miss you.
it's not so much about the relationship anymore, you know?
it's about the friendship that we've built throughout the relationship.

you mean so much more to me that just an ex-love.
you were my best friend. i hope you know that.
i hope you knew that all along.
i'm still waiting for you.
not for you to get back with me,
but for you to be my best friend.
honestly, no one can do it better than you do.

when they all left me, you were there.
i hope at the end of the day,
you're still gonna be here for me.
because like it or not,
i can't imagine my life without you in it.

i want you to know that i'm here.
you're still my best friend.
i still care.
and i hope you're still the sean that i once knew.

you'll get by with a smile.

isn't it funny how we go from being overly-optimistic to
being depressed about every single thing that we come across?
don't you find it funny how someone could tell you that
they want to spend forever with you one day
and then tell you days later how
they don't think it would work out between the two of you?
i do. i find all of this funny. why?
because it's always better to just laugh it off
than wrap your life around understanding why these things would happen.
like they said, shit happens.
deal with it.
i have.
so you can, too.

no one ever said that there's an easy way.

it's a wonder love can make the world go round.

i stared at the place where i used to lay in your arms for numerous nights.
i stared blankly into the green covers that was spread throughout the mattress.
it seemed like just yesterday that we were sitting on that bed,
talking about the future, the past, the present.
some months ago, we were both lying down here.
i was laying in your arms as everybody else was under the sandman's spell.
you were off in dreamland, too.
and i was just lying there with your arms wrapped around me,
thinking of how blessed i was to have such a wonderful boy love me the way you did.
i remember thinking how i was ever able to live a day without you,
that i would do anything to make us work,
that i would give up anything to have you in my life.
i remember thinking about our future,
what our wedding would be like,
what our lifestyle would be like.
i remember thinking that people would be envious of us,
because we loved each other unconditionally,
because we were perfect for each other,
because we made sense.

people make mistakes,
and i admit that i've made lots of mistakes in my lifetime.
in this case, i made the mistake of living idealistically rather than realistically.
i made the mistake of hoping you would evolve from being a boy to a man.
i made the mistake of loving you more than i loved myself.
the only right thing to do now is to learn from all these mistakes.
so that in the future,
when i find a man who's perfect for me,
when i find a man that would love me unconditionally,
when the dream of someone else comes true,
i would know better than to screw things up like i've done in the past.
you are just a boy; a great one, for sure, but you aren't mine.
i've accepted that.
i can't wait to fall in love all over again,
but for now, it's time to love myself.
unconditionally.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

i've conditioned my mind.
it's over you.

but as i shut my eyes,
and wander off in another universe,
all i see is you.
yes, i dream of you most of the time.
and i hate it.

if a dream is a wish our heart makes,
and i keep dreaming of you,
then i guess my heart wishes for you.

the hard part is
that my mind is completely over you.

i'm almost there.

rock bottom and over the edge.

well, it's not like it hurts that much anyway.

except





it does.

It's the wrongs that make the words come to life.

list 20 things that you wanna say to people but know you never will. Don't say who they are.

1. You're pretty damn lucky she didn't leave your ass 18 years ago.

2. I know you want him to die and that you would be happy when he does, but it wouldn't do us any good.

3. Move out. Now.

4. You destroyed our family. You deserve to die.

5. Stop sticking your nose in other people's business.

6. I hate that he destroyed our relationship, but honestly, I'm quite thankful it happened.

7. Don't ever fall in love. Seriously. Don't.

8. You used me. Bitch.

9. DUDE. FMN. Seriously!

10. Thank you. For helping me get through this. We aren't that close and all, but thank you. From the bottom of my little black heart.

11. I gave your book to her and her mom burnt it. I'm sorry.

12. I want me some of that. ;) I want it so much that I was close to climbing your wall and sneaking into your room.

13. I always hated you for backstabbing me. I still do. But not as much as I did before.

14. Dude, you really are cute. I just didn't want to tell you that in person. So I'm sorry if I did.

15. Thank you.

16. You rock my world, let me rock yours.

17. I always wonder what could have happened if I didn't move and we stayed together.

18. You saw it coming. But it came over me in a rush.

19. Gimme some of that weed. I want to try something new.

20. Yo. Thank you. SANTI.

i want these words to make things right.

"how did we get into this mess??"
believe me, i have no idea.
"what happened was meant to happen."
i know that.
but WHY did all these things have to happen?
somebody answer me.
i'm tired of watching all these unanswered questions pile up.

i've given up a lot recently.
a whole lot, in fact.
gave up my bliss (or maybe it gave up on me?),
my sanity,
damn, i even gave up trying.
it's like i've lost all hope.
i am farther away from you than i have ever been.
i'm farther from myself, too.
and at times, the thought of losing what was left after all the chaos consumes me.

--

i find myself constantly apologizing to people.
for different reasons though.
for sharing my burden with them,
for being blinded by idealistically living my life all this time,
for becoming who i am today,
and most of all, for never being good enough.
after apologizing time and time again,
i've come to realize that i forgot to apologize to one important person.
ME.

i don't deserve all this.
i deserve to be happy.
right?
i deserve to have You in my life,
to know what it feels like to wake up beside You each morning,
to have Your lips pressed close to mine,
to be the friction in Your jeans,
to live happily ever after below the waist,
i deserve to have You.
the only thing that separates us is distance.
oh, and that person holding your hand.
i said it once, and i'll say it again:
trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns.
i'm supposed to love You.

and You're supposed to love me.

i'm ready for it.

come on, bring it.






thank You.
for making this day one of
the best ever.

said you loved me, guess you lied.

let's see if you figure this out.

2

"anything for you"

liar.

9

"it's not working."

"we'll make it work. i love you, why can't you love me?"

"i do. but it's not working."

liar.

12

did i mention, when i see you it stings like hell?

...

...

...

...

9

a month now.
alone in this empty room.
but not really.
voices in my head,
in my heart.
contradicting each other.
i am no longer in control of me,
and that's what scares me.

...

...

...

i'm kind of over you.
just kind of.
but i'm getting close to replacing that
with 'completely.'

don't you worry,
i'll get there.

liar.

is it just me?

or do we always crave for something we can't have?
whether it be as practical as a comfort food,
as simple as a hoodie,
as crazy as trading lives with another person,
or as impossible as asking to be loved by another human being --
who, mind you, is about a thousand miles away,
and knows nothing of your existence.
we always seem to be magnetized to longing for something
that is unreachable.

i guess that way, when you finally get who/at you want,
which is not necessarily who/at you need
nor deserve,
the feeling that you've finally sufficed your craving
would be greater than you can imagine.
it would be indescribable.

but then again..

if you fail to win who/at you are chasing after,
the feeling of disappointment,
of every negative emotion you have in your body
would be worse than you could ever imagine.
the pain would be unbelievable.
it will consume you.

this is what makes me want to give up
on my hope of meeting you.
of getting to know you.
of making you fall in love with me.
it would be great if that could happen.
but if i don't get to do all those things,
if, for some insane reason, fate decides
that our paths should never cross,
then what will be left of me?

i will be as empty as can be
or maybe even emptier.
the emptiness will eat up my faith,
it will eat up everything i ever chose to believe in.

nothing will be left of me.
nothing but this insane desire to have you.

it's all or nothing for me.
i'd either have you in my arms
or die trying.

all i hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop.

it brings me so much serenity,
so much peace.
reflect on all the mistakes committed,
all the graces given,
all the lessons learned.
it puts my soul at ease.

FUCK THAT.

i hate the rain.
it makes me depressed.
it reminds me of you.

can it be that tonight the sky decided to cry with me?

if i wore a collar around my neck, would you come back to me?

it's been almost a month.
i haven't touched her.
nor looked at her.
i haven't gone near her.
i can't bring myself to have anything to do with her.

she always loved you more than she loved me.
and whenever i'd see her,
i'd just be reminded of you.
and the way we used to be.
those weekends when you'd come visit me.
and joke about how you just came over to see her.
i miss that.
i know you loved her.
good for her.

i can tell she misses you.
so do i.

so which is it?

i wonder.
are you really like who they portray you to be?
that guy who is sweet, caring and trustworthy,
with the smoothest moves in the planet,
with the most honest eyes,
are you really like that?
are you really like him?
i hope you are,
because i've fallen for him and his ways already.

i wonder.
maybe i'm in love with you because of those stories?
maybe i'm longing to be by your side because of him?
maybe i'm not really in love with you?
maybe it's that guy in the stories that i'm deeply in love with?
maybe i'm in love with the idea of you, and not you?
but if that's true,
then why do i find my heart convincing my mind that you really are that guy?

despite all these unanswered questions,
i find myself still madly in love with you.

i guess the only thing left to do
is wish on a falling star that you are who i expect you to be.
and more.

where can i go when i want you around

but i can't stand to be around you?

take me to that place.
i want to be away from here,
from everything that this life brings.
i want to forget about you
and find myself.

i am lost.
i never was,
but then you came along
and i let go of everything,
i gave in to everything.
and that's where i lost myself.

i trusted you.
i trusted you too much, i guess.
i believed in every word you said,
in all your promises.
the best part of believe is the lie.
i forgot about that.

maybe next time,
you'll remember not to tell me something stupid like
you'll never leave my side.

if you really will.
like you already have.

well in case you failed to notice.

in case you failed to see,
this is my heart bleeding before you,
this is me down on my knees.
these foolish games are tearing me apart,
and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
you're breaking my heart.

you probably know that by now.
if you don't, then i'm right about you.
you don't give a fuck.
never did,
and probably never will.

i shouldn't give a fuck either.
but i guess it's just harder when
you're left with all these questions
that would probably never be answered.
it's harder
when you're left with all the pieces
left behind to be picked up
and probably put back together.

i'm tired.
sick and tired of your foolish games.

you've broken my heart.

the truth hurts worse

than anything i could bring myself to do
to you.

i just want to bring you down so badly in the worst way.

i want to hurt you
with every cell in my body,
with all of my strength.
i want to beat you up so badly
that you won't be able to see the light of day.
bust your lips.
punch out a few teeth.
bruise your whole body.
cut your skin.
more like peel it off your body.
fish your eyes out.
anything to make you hurt.

in the end though,
i will end up hurting myself.
either way, i'm at the losing end.
i could never hurt you.

truth is
i'd rather cause myself pain than see you suffer.

are you still mine?

cause baby, i'm not alright when you go,
i'm not fine.
i never want you to go,
because i am all yours.
so please be all mine.

too late.
you're gone.
for good?
i think so.

should i choose water over wine?

passing out.
i love it.
it's like you're away from the world.
away from your problems.
away from your worries.
even for just a while.
for an instant,
everything that bothers you
vanishes.
everything that makes you wish your time on this place was over,
everything that makes you question your existence,
they all go away.

but then there's the day after.
everything you forgot comes crashing back into your world.
every single problem that you tried to avoid,
all your unanswered questions,
they are all back in your world.
reality.
it sucks.

i was told that this was an insane way to look at alcoholism.
but if it makes you feel better about yourself,
if it makes you happy,
then how is it so wrong?
how could something this awesome be so wrong?

i used to not drink at all.
but after you, all i could do is drink.

just because..


you used to be my way of passing out.
now, you're my day after.

see that line? i never should've crossed it.

i've forgotten about myself for the longest time.
i've let go of myself in the process.
i lost the old me along the way.
i don't hate who i am now.
who i am hates who i've been.
i want to be better than i am.

and now i can start anew.
i can do what i wish to do,
be with whoever i want,
i can be who i choose to be.


those 10 little green pills will change my life.
they already have.
the moment i saw them,
my heart skipped a beat.
it's like i fell in love with these things,
it was love at first sight.

"everyone
is either full of diet pills or shit.
and usually it's both."
i'm about to be a part of "everyone"

i'm ready for what lies ahead.
i can't wait.

new and improved me,
here i come.

upside down.

every single thought i had yesterday is contradicted by my thoughts today.
i seem to be like that lately.
hate you today.
love you tomorrow.
despise myself every single day.

i do regret more than i admit.
ever since i accepted what you wanted me to,
my mind has been at war with my heart.
the former wanting to forget about you,
the latter being stubborn and deciding to constantly remind me about you.
i want to forget you so badly.
but i'm afraid i am no longer in control of my thoughts and feelings.

inside out.

you want apologies.

boy, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever.
the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever.

it's over and done.
and i've accepted that.

now, only hatred fills my heart.
and maybe regret.
the regret of letting go of myself
just because i thought you were the one.
just because i thought this would last forever.
no, honey, it's not you i hate.
it's this insane way of thinking that something could actually last forever.
that something in my life could actually make sense.
that something can actually function right.

remember this:
nothing lasts forever. the only thing that's constant is change.
or something like that.

i can only laugh my ass off now.
l--m--a--o. peterpan. p33n. oh how i love you and your ways.

damn regret.

i still love you, you know.
not in the way that i did before.
but in a way that i am thankful that you saved me a whole lot of times.

damn regret.

realization:
what was once us now never was.

DAMN REGRET.

attention attention.

i hate that i love you too much to hate you.

i am all yours.

so please be all mine.

please be all mine.

please.

be.

all.



mine.

it's weird how this works.

in the last few waking moments before i lay myself down to sleep,
i find myself thinking of you.
of how we used to be
of what we could have been,
of how things between us are.

even if you have blocked me out of your life,
and even if i have learned to accept that,
i find myself wishing to be with you,
to be loved by you,
to be thought of.
and i hate myself for allowing this to happen.
i'm supposed to be over you by now,
but you keep pulling me back into your trap.

trying to drive me crazy, are you?

but despite these thoughts,
these feelings,
this twisted desire to be in your arms again,
despite hating myself for being weak,
i find myself thinking.
thinking if you ever think about these things, too.
if you ever feel these things, too.
if you ever long for me, too.


and i wonder if right at this moment,
maybe.
just maybe.
you're thinking of all this.


maybe.

just maybe.

you're missing me, too.

you want to feel shallow love.

you made her permanent in your life.
there is no escape now.
all my perceptions on how we're supposed to end up together,
all the plans that i have to reach you,
they all shattered into a million pieces.
it's crazy, i know.
how i could feel this passionately about you
and get absolutely nothing in return.
except, maybe, for the hope of you feeling the same way towards me.

one day.
someday.

love will tear us apart.

with what you said the other day,
i am convinced that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.
it hurt like hell to read that.
but if you really love her, what can i do?

it's crazy how this works.
we are miles, even worlds, apart.
we live in different times.
you don't even know of my existence.
and you love someone else.
yet here i am, longing to be the one you love.
wanting to make you happy.
craving for your presence.
but all you see is her.
trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns.
and i'll make sure you won't regret it.

it's far from likely that you would be able to read this.
but if by some strange reason, you do,
you wouldn't even know how to find me.
i would have crawled under a rock and died by that time.
you see how twisted this is?

my love for you is undeniable.
your love for her is, too.

this has been said so many times that i'm not sure if it matters.

i love you.

what if the world was a little more perfect?

would we be together?

i don't blame you for being you.

but you can't blame me for hating it.

i love the fact that you understood me in a way no one ever would.
i love the fact that you loved me like no one else could.
i love the fact that you accepted the real me when no one would.
i love the fact that you were always there whenever i needed you.

you were the only person i had for four years.
when everyone left me,
when everyone found someone new,
when everyone failed to understand me,
you were there.

and now that you're gone,
i have no one.

i hate the fact that you understood me in a way no one ever would.
i hate the fact that you loved me like no one else could.
i hate the fact that you accepted the real me when no one would.
i hate the fact that you were always there whenever i needed you.

snap back to reality.

for the first time in two weeks,
i had the chance to touch you.
to talk to you.
to kiss you.
you told me that everything was okay.
that we were okay.
we spent the whole day together.
you smiled at me
like you never have in a long time.
like you did four years ago.
you were happy.
i was happy.
we were happy.


and then in one instant,
everything was gone.
i was back to being ignored by you.
being avoided by you.
i was back to being kept away from you.


i was pretty sure i've moved on.
i guess my heart just wasn't ready yet.

you are light years away from me.

well at least that's what it seems like.
but despite the distance between us,
and considering that you don't really know me,
and i really don't know you,
you still haven't failed to amaze me.

on days that i feel hopeless,
you pop out of nowhere and make me smile.
the sad thing is that you don't even know what you do to me.
or for me.
you have saved me so many times.
from giving up.
from ending it all.
from myself.
and you don't even know it.

you are the light that guides me through the night.
you are my light.

you are my "light on in chicago."

and i know i should be home.

it gets the worst at night.

and as i sit here in this empty room,
thoughts of you start rushing through my mind.
i can't take it anymore.
that very familiar lump in my throat shows itself.
tears start welling up.

PATHETIC.

these days i am like waves being controlled by the moon.
when the sun is out, i am as happy as a five year old with no problems at all.
and when the moon creeps out of its humble abode,
i am back to being the eighteen year old with all the problems in the world.

i am back to reminiscing.
back to regretting the things i've done.
back to remembering what was.
and what probably will never be.
i am back to you.

i miss me. i miss you. i miss us.

but then again, i'm writing this while the moon is up.

i used to love night time.
'cause that's when we'd be talking.
i used to hate day time.
now i just can't wait for the sun to rise.

nocturnal no more.

forever suddenly got a lot shorter.

and i remember all the feelings.
and the day that they stopped for you.
i still don't understand that until this very day.
i guess sometimes things don't neccessarily have to make sense.

but we did.
right?
we made sense.
or am i just kidding myself?

my heart is just one of the many in need of rescue.
i hope i'm first on the list.

to my favorite scar.

as i was walking out of that place full of memories of how we used to be..
as i was thinking about the day you took me away from my problems..
that day we went away to that place where you made sure i knew that i was loved..
as i was looking back on all of that..
i realized.

you are my rushmore.
but i am just max fischer to you.
in a way that you see it's never going to work out.

but too bad for both of us.
i am just as stubborn as max fischer.
and as hopelessly hopeful as that girl in love with the purple-trumpet man.

you are so close yet so far.

i don't do too well on my own

bonnie and clyde.
yin and yang.
joe fox and kathleen kelly.
peter pan and tink.

pete and patrick.



me and you.

everything we had

is no longer there.

i thought of calling you a million times.

i'm just staying away because you asked me to.
i know moving on is a good thing. i guess i'm just scared.