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WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME TO TALK TO YOU??

325987n9q8m39u4hc!!!!

i haven't felt this fcked up since '07.

Everything's going downhill again. If it's even possible, I'm feeling crappier than before. Been having weird thoughts. Way weird feelings. It just hasn't been great for me lately. Frustrating.

I can't even laugh it off anymore. It's THAT bad.

I need alcohol. STAT.

06November2008

I had no idea that I felt this way at one point in time. Found this in my journal.

“And he looked at me, his eyes piercing through my sould, seeing all the qualities the rest would never see. I looked down in shame. Shame that he might see something unpleasant in me. It sent shivers down my spine and made my knees tremble, sending me face down to the floor.

He has a hold on me that is as unique as he is. A hold so strong that I couldn’t break free no matter how hard i tried. There were times when I thought that maybe I couldn’t break free because I didn’t want to. I felt like I’d be lost without the force that he exerted on me to keep me within his grasp. It shook me to the core like nothing else ever did, it scared me and yet it was a comfort to know that he was the only one who could do this to me.”

December is for cynics.

If the rest of this month goes the way today did, I wouldn’t live to see 2009.

December sure is starting off with a bang. More like a gunshot through the back of my head.

i miss you.

I miss you more than I should.
I miss you more than I could take.
I miss you more than I thought I would after a year and a half of not being with you.
I miss you and it hurts like hell.
It hurts because I’m positive that you don’t miss me the way I miss you.
The way I long for you.
The way I need you.
The pain should subside by now, shouldn’t it? So why hasn’t it?

i rode a bus a few days ago that had shit for parts.

i guess the lights inside it were controlled by the engine or something because whenever it’d slow down, the lights would go dim, and when it’d speed up, they’d go brighter.
the windows that are usually made of glass were made of cardboard.
if ever that bus would crash, you wouldn’t die from the impact of the crash, you’d die of tetanus.
at that moment in time, i thought to myself “i’m about as broken down as this bus.”
i wonder if my friends are afraid to be with me because i might bring them down too.

lately my thoughts have just been…scattered.
my heart has been all over the place, too.

“this time i’ll try not to show that i am not letting go.”

maybe i have shit for parts, too?

Yes? No?

toasted skin.

As I stared out at the place i call my home,
I wondered what it would be like when I leave,
Leave for a country that would not accept me with open arms.

We’re among the clouds.
There’s no turning back now.

I spent the whole day watching One Tree Hill. Then my mom came home with some treats from Starbucks. We just sat on the bed, snacked on Belgian Waffles, chugged down our Coffee Jelly, and teared up whenever Nathan and Haley would fight. I finally got her to like something I like. I’m glad.

One of the best days ever.

It could all be so simple.

i would give anything

To stay in that moment
to be in your arms
to breathe the same air
to feel loved by you for even a moment.

get outta my head

veiny hands
dark eyes
chapped lips.

signs of (di)stress.
you make it harder for me to go on with my life.

i want you OUT.

one step at a time.

Why is it that others believe in us more than we believe in ourselves?

They say “you can do it” and we say “impossible.”

we live only but once

the day is fast approaching.

can’t wait.

i miss the way

you’d hold my nose whenever i’d feel cold.

sit back, relaX.

common sense

apparently not very common.

i wanna go where everyone feels the same.

i've been feeling left out lately
like i'm in the wrong community
can't the world be just one big happy family?
of course not.
when did life ever be fair?

the only rose among the thorns.
inferior to them all.
a threat, maybe.
someone to watch out for.
is there something on my face that keeps you away from me?
or is it the other way around?
i prefer the latter.

i miss me a year ago.
lonely, pathetic, and miserable
just like everybody else.
nowadays, being happy is wrong.
taboo.
is it my fault life works out for me?
at least for now.

everybody gets their way.
when will i ever get mine?

waiting on the world to change
into a place where you finally see me
like i see you.

there is nothing between us but air.

words written by her.
spoken to you.
felt by me.

slice me open and you will find countless shards of what used to be my heart.

hold on, we're almost there.

he loved me more than i could ever love myself.
he filled in the empty spaces. i was broken and he picked up all the pieces.
he helped me find my way. but in the midst of the journey, he up and left.
he abandoned me. i was lost once again. only at that time, it was worse.
i was lost and he was the only one who could save me. why? because he took away my ability to love.
to believe in people.
to believe in myself.
i couldn't even love myself for quite some time. because i loved him with all of me. i loved him so much that i forgot to save some for myself.
i gave him everything, and he willingly took it.
he gave what he can, but not everything. i took what i could.

i'm tired of settling.
i was never one to settle.
i always wanted more. worked for more. starved for more.

i hate that he changed me.
but i love myself now.
or at least i'm learning.

i'm so close that i can taste it.

dream to make believe.

i wish i would have known you before the world did.
before the world stole your soul.
i think i would have loved the way you used to be.
and i'm pretty sure you would have loved me too.
we could have made the world explode.
we would have been perfect for each other.
just like she's perfect for him.
i understand you. you think no one does, but i do.
i love the way you are.
but just seeing who you were before all this chaos
drives me insane.

countless 'maybe's.
endless 'what if's.
forever unanswered.

i'd like to believe that when we dream,
it's another world.
a whole new different world.
without all this imperfection.
without all these things stopping us from being together.
and i'd like to think that while i'm dreaming of you,
you're dreaming of me too.
we're together in that world.
and merely knowing that makes me happy.
ecstatic, in fact.

you are the reason why i wake up with a smile on my face.

i'd have to remember to thank you for that when i see you.

you get my teen heart beating faster.

he used to make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

at the moment, 2 men make my heart race.
one of them, unreachable. the other will never take me seriously.

"you will never cross paths with me."
and then you did.
and from then on, everything felt possible.
i felt like anything can happen.
i think you dreamt me alive.
and now, i feel invincible.
i think i might love you.

i never even noticed you.
until you noticed me, that is.
after so long, someone paid attention to me.
i was no longer invisible.
but it's all just a show. it can never be real.
i don't love you, though.
you just make my heart race so fast.
so fast that sometimes i think it's on the verge of exploding.
i want to fall in love with you. but i don't think i can.
i don't think you can, either.

sometimes i wish for you (to wish for me too).

I'm almost alive.

It feels great to have someone make your heart race 1298958947593759 miles per second.

Playful banter.
Shenanigans.
Parody.

I've learned to let go of all the hate and anger in my heart.
Just thinking of him makes me feel better.
It's nothing serious, really.
It sure ain't love.
It's just the feeling I get whenever I see him.
I feel like a little girl again, heart fluttering and all that jazz.
He makes me feel visible. After so many months of feeling inexistent in this world, being noticed feels like one hell of a rush.

Alive.

nice to know you.

GOODBYE.

i can feel the pressure.

my heart's racing. it's going about 41483702984019741 miles per hour. it's not the good kind though. it's the one that makes you feel like you want to throw up and cry at the same time. i hate this feeling. i'm probably going to explode in a while from all this pressure. i'm afraid i can't take it this time. i don't want to go back to being depressed and pathetic. although i probably am already. i'm just not prepared. i wasn't prepared to hear what she had to say. i wasn't prepared for the truth. i can't handle the truth.

i shouldn't have assumed. i guess that was my fault.

but i thought i was over it. i thought i was doing better than i was before. i guess i was fooling myself. or maybe i just forced myself to feel what i wanted to without really feeling it. i fooled myself. i fooled everyone. i honestly thought that i was doing great. i felt great. i stopped thinking of him constantly.

one word. just one word and my heart was broken all over again. just one fuckin word. putangina diba? PUTANGINA. All that hard work for NOTHING. Putangina talaga.

i need a drink. or 10. i need to not feel again. i need to be numb. to pass out. now.

tell me, can you feel the pressure now?

confuzzled.

Honestly, I don't know how I am at the moment. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm miserable.

Don't use bodies as bandaids.

But how can I not? The only way to forget someone is by surrounding yourself with tons of people. The right ones, though. Not those fake ones.

Being around the right people helps me heal.
So thanks to those who stand by me in this long period of..I don't know what to call it. Just, thanks.

Your smile. Your everything, actually.
Vanilla ice cream.
Melted marshmallows.
him being alone.
Different things but the same effect on me ---

happiness.

my eyes burn from these tears.

All the emotions I tried to keep to myself were exposed to the public last night. It was really unexpected. It's just one of those things wherein I couldn't control what I felt anymore. I seriously didn't want that to happen, it just did. The song played, and for the first time in a long time I felt every single emotion I had in me all at the same time. I've never reacted like that to that song. I never felt the pain that intensely. I mean, sure, it would hurt before, but never like last night.

I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why.
Everything I kept to myself was out in the open.
I never wanted that.
I never wanted people to see me at my weakest.
I never wanted people to know that it still hurts.
Because most of the time, it doesn't.
But on moments that it does, the pain is unbearable.
I guess it was too much to handle.

My guts were spewed all over the fuckin floor.
It was a painful thing to watch.
My eyes are still swollen from all the drama.
It feels good though.
It feels good to put it all out there.

Did it feel good to watch me break down?

I wish it could just be simple..

like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me."
Boom. End of story.
We all live happily ever after.
But it is never really like that, is it?

John Tucker Must Die

I wish it was.
Then I wouldn't even have to bother wasting my time dreaming of him.

I want you so bad that it isn't even funny anymore.
I want him to want me.

I need you to need me.

Sit back and relax.

Watch it all fall back into place, or fall apart.
It hurts to see it all fade away. I just wish I could see it in his eyes.
I wish he needs me as much as I need him.
Can I not like you for a while?
But then again, I wish you would notice me. I know it's impossible.
Yet impossible is nothing.
Too many thoughts. I'm telling all of you, never leave me alone. It's dangerous for me. And for him.

If I could sleep walk to him, then I would.
So then I could say I killed him in my sleep.
Because I don't think I could do it awake.
When I'm awake, I kill myself slowly. So there's clearly no time to waste on plotting his death.
Too busy burying myself alive.





I'm back here.
I can't believe it.

Sit back and relapse.

If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We always used to have these outings. You know, the overnight ones. I probably was the most excited for them before. Until a few weeks ago when we had another one. Wasn't really up for it. I wasn't looking forward to anything. You see, I was only excited for these trips before because I'd get to spend more time with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to spend time with my friends, too. But he got me excited the most. The thought of being with him for over 24 hours was amazing.

So it was my first outing after the youknowwhat with youknowwho. I thought everything would be okay because my friends were there to keep me preoccupied. And then sleeping time came. And I was left there with my thoughts. I started regretting even going to that thing. When you leave me with my thoughts, this is what comes of it.


And as I sat in the darkness, I remembered how I never was alone at times like this.
I always had him.
Then I tell myself, "Drink, don't think."
And so I do.

Only this time, it's not enough.

You don't know what you do to me.

One moment could turn your life upside down.
Seeing you was probably the best thing that has happened to me.
You helped me up when I was face down on the dirt.



Sad thing is you don't even know it.

senses fail.

I picked up a very familiar scent some days ago.
Something I haven't smelled in about 15 weeks.
That scent is the one I would wake up to on some summer days.
It always made me feel safe.
Like I was home.
Like I had nowhere else to be but in his arms.
His scent made me feel like everything was going to be okay.
In a sense that no matter what would happen, he'd be right beside me, protecting me from the world.
I guess I got so used to him protecting me that when he let go, all I felt was fear.
Imagine 3 months full of nothing but fear.
Fear of nothing in particular.
Fear of everything.
It's crazy how that scent sent all these thoughts to this screen.
I'm tired of thinking of him.
It's exhausting.

thank you.

you don't know how much that meant to me.

no words can express how i feel right now.
bliss. even that won't do.

Expect the unexpected.

A simple yet very meaningful word of advice or support from the most unexpected person at 4 in the morning [and the tears are pouring] can do wonders for one's heart and soul. I find it really bizarre how someone who doesn't even know you that well can clear things up for you in a jiffy.

Lately, I've been receiving messages from the people whom I least expect it from. Messages left by friends whom I haven't seen for the longest time. A simple offer of a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears to listen to your rantings. It's the simple things in life we forget. I've gotten support from the most unexpected people. People that I've only met recently, people that I've lost contact with, people who aren't close to me, and most of all, people who I didn't think would care. These people who, apparently, know how I feel and understand me (or at least try to) have, in a way, shown me the light. In this pitch-black tunnel that I've been traveling in for quite some time, I am guided to the end of it, to the light, by simple messages of concern, by quotes sent in the middle of the day, by unexpected answers to simple survey questions [i know, shallow], and by messages sent in the middle of the night.

I have found comfort and enlightenment in the most unexpected places,
from the most unexpected people.
And I'm loving it.
You people know who you are.
Thank you, from the bottom of my little black heart.

death is gonna catch up to all one day.

so i wonder why we have to try to look good for people.
people who would probably not notice us if we were "average."
i know, i sound so naive, but i'm not.
it just bewilders me that we do everything in our power to be "eye candy".

isn't it the inner beauty that counts?
i mean, what does it matter if you are 5'7", 115 pounds, and have the complexion of a goddess if you have no personality at all?
i miss the times when i never gave a damn about what people think about my appearance.
yes, they would criticize me, but it never really mattered.
all that mattered was that i was happy about who i was, and the people who cared about me saw the real me.
not my messy hair, baggy pants, or ginormous shirt that i used to wear.

i don't get the point in trying to look perfect for the public if in the end, we all end up in ashes or six feet under.
i don't get it, but i still do it.
i still WANT to look perfect, or at least good enough for people's eyes.

one thing i realized, though, is that even those people who care for me care about how i look on the outside, too.
maybe too much so that they don't see that what they say hurts me.
i guess, for me, the most unbearable pain is when you find out that people can't appreciate you for who you truly are anymore.
suddenly, your personality doesn't matter anymore.
and yet, here i am striving to be good enough for all of you.
i hope this doesn't kill me in the end.
i'm scared that it will.

secrets of august.

posts that i never published. i guess i was too afraid of how people would interpret these thoughts. the worst is over now. i think. so i bid goodbye to these secrets that i kept for myself.

08.23.07

stop filling my head with your opinions and observations.
stop convincing me that it still exists.
IT DOESN'T.


08.16.07

do you know how she felt when you ripped her heart apart?


did you not know that you meant the world to her?
and probably still do.


or did you just think she'd be over it in a blink of an eye?
just like you were.

you have stolen my heart.

and i don't think i want it back.
i'd rather sit here and feel nothing at all
than feel unloved by you.

I've accepted it. I think.

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Don't try, baby
Ain't no use in tryin', baby.