thank you.

you don't know how much that meant to me.

no words can express how i feel right now.
bliss. even that won't do.

Expect the unexpected.

A simple yet very meaningful word of advice or support from the most unexpected person at 4 in the morning [and the tears are pouring] can do wonders for one's heart and soul. I find it really bizarre how someone who doesn't even know you that well can clear things up for you in a jiffy.

Lately, I've been receiving messages from the people whom I least expect it from. Messages left by friends whom I haven't seen for the longest time. A simple offer of a shoulder to cry on or a set of ears to listen to your rantings. It's the simple things in life we forget. I've gotten support from the most unexpected people. People that I've only met recently, people that I've lost contact with, people who aren't close to me, and most of all, people who I didn't think would care. These people who, apparently, know how I feel and understand me (or at least try to) have, in a way, shown me the light. In this pitch-black tunnel that I've been traveling in for quite some time, I am guided to the end of it, to the light, by simple messages of concern, by quotes sent in the middle of the day, by unexpected answers to simple survey questions [i know, shallow], and by messages sent in the middle of the night.

I have found comfort and enlightenment in the most unexpected places,
from the most unexpected people.
And I'm loving it.
You people know who you are.
Thank you, from the bottom of my little black heart.

death is gonna catch up to all one day.

so i wonder why we have to try to look good for people.
people who would probably not notice us if we were "average."
i know, i sound so naive, but i'm not.
it just bewilders me that we do everything in our power to be "eye candy".

isn't it the inner beauty that counts?
i mean, what does it matter if you are 5'7", 115 pounds, and have the complexion of a goddess if you have no personality at all?
i miss the times when i never gave a damn about what people think about my appearance.
yes, they would criticize me, but it never really mattered.
all that mattered was that i was happy about who i was, and the people who cared about me saw the real me.
not my messy hair, baggy pants, or ginormous shirt that i used to wear.

i don't get the point in trying to look perfect for the public if in the end, we all end up in ashes or six feet under.
i don't get it, but i still do it.
i still WANT to look perfect, or at least good enough for people's eyes.

one thing i realized, though, is that even those people who care for me care about how i look on the outside, too.
maybe too much so that they don't see that what they say hurts me.
i guess, for me, the most unbearable pain is when you find out that people can't appreciate you for who you truly are anymore.
suddenly, your personality doesn't matter anymore.
and yet, here i am striving to be good enough for all of you.
i hope this doesn't kill me in the end.
i'm scared that it will.

secrets of august.

posts that i never published. i guess i was too afraid of how people would interpret these thoughts. the worst is over now. i think. so i bid goodbye to these secrets that i kept for myself.

08.23.07

stop filling my head with your opinions and observations.
stop convincing me that it still exists.
IT DOESN'T.


08.16.07

do you know how she felt when you ripped her heart apart?


did you not know that you meant the world to her?
and probably still do.


or did you just think she'd be over it in a blink of an eye?
just like you were.