death is gonna catch up to all one day.

so i wonder why we have to try to look good for people.
people who would probably not notice us if we were "average."
i know, i sound so naive, but i'm not.
it just bewilders me that we do everything in our power to be "eye candy".

isn't it the inner beauty that counts?
i mean, what does it matter if you are 5'7", 115 pounds, and have the complexion of a goddess if you have no personality at all?
i miss the times when i never gave a damn about what people think about my appearance.
yes, they would criticize me, but it never really mattered.
all that mattered was that i was happy about who i was, and the people who cared about me saw the real me.
not my messy hair, baggy pants, or ginormous shirt that i used to wear.

i don't get the point in trying to look perfect for the public if in the end, we all end up in ashes or six feet under.
i don't get it, but i still do it.
i still WANT to look perfect, or at least good enough for people's eyes.

one thing i realized, though, is that even those people who care for me care about how i look on the outside, too.
maybe too much so that they don't see that what they say hurts me.
i guess, for me, the most unbearable pain is when you find out that people can't appreciate you for who you truly are anymore.
suddenly, your personality doesn't matter anymore.
and yet, here i am striving to be good enough for all of you.
i hope this doesn't kill me in the end.
i'm scared that it will.