you'll get by with a smile.

isn't it funny how we go from being overly-optimistic to
being depressed about every single thing that we come across?
don't you find it funny how someone could tell you that
they want to spend forever with you one day
and then tell you days later how
they don't think it would work out between the two of you?
i do. i find all of this funny. why?
because it's always better to just laugh it off
than wrap your life around understanding why these things would happen.
like they said, shit happens.
deal with it.
i have.
so you can, too.

no one ever said that there's an easy way.

it's a wonder love can make the world go round.

i stared at the place where i used to lay in your arms for numerous nights.
i stared blankly into the green covers that was spread throughout the mattress.
it seemed like just yesterday that we were sitting on that bed,
talking about the future, the past, the present.
some months ago, we were both lying down here.
i was laying in your arms as everybody else was under the sandman's spell.
you were off in dreamland, too.
and i was just lying there with your arms wrapped around me,
thinking of how blessed i was to have such a wonderful boy love me the way you did.
i remember thinking how i was ever able to live a day without you,
that i would do anything to make us work,
that i would give up anything to have you in my life.
i remember thinking about our future,
what our wedding would be like,
what our lifestyle would be like.
i remember thinking that people would be envious of us,
because we loved each other unconditionally,
because we were perfect for each other,
because we made sense.

people make mistakes,
and i admit that i've made lots of mistakes in my lifetime.
in this case, i made the mistake of living idealistically rather than realistically.
i made the mistake of hoping you would evolve from being a boy to a man.
i made the mistake of loving you more than i loved myself.
the only right thing to do now is to learn from all these mistakes.
so that in the future,
when i find a man who's perfect for me,
when i find a man that would love me unconditionally,
when the dream of someone else comes true,
i would know better than to screw things up like i've done in the past.
you are just a boy; a great one, for sure, but you aren't mine.
i've accepted that.
i can't wait to fall in love all over again,
but for now, it's time to love myself.
unconditionally.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

i've conditioned my mind.
it's over you.

but as i shut my eyes,
and wander off in another universe,
all i see is you.
yes, i dream of you most of the time.
and i hate it.

if a dream is a wish our heart makes,
and i keep dreaming of you,
then i guess my heart wishes for you.

the hard part is
that my mind is completely over you.

i'm almost there.

rock bottom and over the edge.

well, it's not like it hurts that much anyway.

except





it does.

It's the wrongs that make the words come to life.

list 20 things that you wanna say to people but know you never will. Don't say who they are.

1. You're pretty damn lucky she didn't leave your ass 18 years ago.

2. I know you want him to die and that you would be happy when he does, but it wouldn't do us any good.

3. Move out. Now.

4. You destroyed our family. You deserve to die.

5. Stop sticking your nose in other people's business.

6. I hate that he destroyed our relationship, but honestly, I'm quite thankful it happened.

7. Don't ever fall in love. Seriously. Don't.

8. You used me. Bitch.

9. DUDE. FMN. Seriously!

10. Thank you. For helping me get through this. We aren't that close and all, but thank you. From the bottom of my little black heart.

11. I gave your book to her and her mom burnt it. I'm sorry.

12. I want me some of that. ;) I want it so much that I was close to climbing your wall and sneaking into your room.

13. I always hated you for backstabbing me. I still do. But not as much as I did before.

14. Dude, you really are cute. I just didn't want to tell you that in person. So I'm sorry if I did.

15. Thank you.

16. You rock my world, let me rock yours.

17. I always wonder what could have happened if I didn't move and we stayed together.

18. You saw it coming. But it came over me in a rush.

19. Gimme some of that weed. I want to try something new.

20. Yo. Thank you. SANTI.

i want these words to make things right.

"how did we get into this mess??"
believe me, i have no idea.
"what happened was meant to happen."
i know that.
but WHY did all these things have to happen?
somebody answer me.
i'm tired of watching all these unanswered questions pile up.

i've given up a lot recently.
a whole lot, in fact.
gave up my bliss (or maybe it gave up on me?),
my sanity,
damn, i even gave up trying.
it's like i've lost all hope.
i am farther away from you than i have ever been.
i'm farther from myself, too.
and at times, the thought of losing what was left after all the chaos consumes me.

--

i find myself constantly apologizing to people.
for different reasons though.
for sharing my burden with them,
for being blinded by idealistically living my life all this time,
for becoming who i am today,
and most of all, for never being good enough.
after apologizing time and time again,
i've come to realize that i forgot to apologize to one important person.
ME.

i don't deserve all this.
i deserve to be happy.
right?
i deserve to have You in my life,
to know what it feels like to wake up beside You each morning,
to have Your lips pressed close to mine,
to be the friction in Your jeans,
to live happily ever after below the waist,
i deserve to have You.
the only thing that separates us is distance.
oh, and that person holding your hand.
i said it once, and i'll say it again:
trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns.
i'm supposed to love You.

and You're supposed to love me.

i'm ready for it.

come on, bring it.






thank You.
for making this day one of
the best ever.

said you loved me, guess you lied.

let's see if you figure this out.

2

"anything for you"

liar.

9

"it's not working."

"we'll make it work. i love you, why can't you love me?"

"i do. but it's not working."

liar.

12

did i mention, when i see you it stings like hell?

...

...

...

...

9

a month now.
alone in this empty room.
but not really.
voices in my head,
in my heart.
contradicting each other.
i am no longer in control of me,
and that's what scares me.

...

...

...

i'm kind of over you.
just kind of.
but i'm getting close to replacing that
with 'completely.'

don't you worry,
i'll get there.

liar.

is it just me?

or do we always crave for something we can't have?
whether it be as practical as a comfort food,
as simple as a hoodie,
as crazy as trading lives with another person,
or as impossible as asking to be loved by another human being --
who, mind you, is about a thousand miles away,
and knows nothing of your existence.
we always seem to be magnetized to longing for something
that is unreachable.

i guess that way, when you finally get who/at you want,
which is not necessarily who/at you need
nor deserve,
the feeling that you've finally sufficed your craving
would be greater than you can imagine.
it would be indescribable.

but then again..

if you fail to win who/at you are chasing after,
the feeling of disappointment,
of every negative emotion you have in your body
would be worse than you could ever imagine.
the pain would be unbelievable.
it will consume you.

this is what makes me want to give up
on my hope of meeting you.
of getting to know you.
of making you fall in love with me.
it would be great if that could happen.
but if i don't get to do all those things,
if, for some insane reason, fate decides
that our paths should never cross,
then what will be left of me?

i will be as empty as can be
or maybe even emptier.
the emptiness will eat up my faith,
it will eat up everything i ever chose to believe in.

nothing will be left of me.
nothing but this insane desire to have you.

it's all or nothing for me.
i'd either have you in my arms
or die trying.

all i hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop.

it brings me so much serenity,
so much peace.
reflect on all the mistakes committed,
all the graces given,
all the lessons learned.
it puts my soul at ease.

FUCK THAT.

i hate the rain.
it makes me depressed.
it reminds me of you.

can it be that tonight the sky decided to cry with me?

if i wore a collar around my neck, would you come back to me?

it's been almost a month.
i haven't touched her.
nor looked at her.
i haven't gone near her.
i can't bring myself to have anything to do with her.

she always loved you more than she loved me.
and whenever i'd see her,
i'd just be reminded of you.
and the way we used to be.
those weekends when you'd come visit me.
and joke about how you just came over to see her.
i miss that.
i know you loved her.
good for her.

i can tell she misses you.
so do i.

so which is it?

i wonder.
are you really like who they portray you to be?
that guy who is sweet, caring and trustworthy,
with the smoothest moves in the planet,
with the most honest eyes,
are you really like that?
are you really like him?
i hope you are,
because i've fallen for him and his ways already.

i wonder.
maybe i'm in love with you because of those stories?
maybe i'm longing to be by your side because of him?
maybe i'm not really in love with you?
maybe it's that guy in the stories that i'm deeply in love with?
maybe i'm in love with the idea of you, and not you?
but if that's true,
then why do i find my heart convincing my mind that you really are that guy?

despite all these unanswered questions,
i find myself still madly in love with you.

i guess the only thing left to do
is wish on a falling star that you are who i expect you to be.
and more.

where can i go when i want you around

but i can't stand to be around you?

take me to that place.
i want to be away from here,
from everything that this life brings.
i want to forget about you
and find myself.

i am lost.
i never was,
but then you came along
and i let go of everything,
i gave in to everything.
and that's where i lost myself.

i trusted you.
i trusted you too much, i guess.
i believed in every word you said,
in all your promises.
the best part of believe is the lie.
i forgot about that.

maybe next time,
you'll remember not to tell me something stupid like
you'll never leave my side.

if you really will.
like you already have.

well in case you failed to notice.

in case you failed to see,
this is my heart bleeding before you,
this is me down on my knees.
these foolish games are tearing me apart,
and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
you're breaking my heart.

you probably know that by now.
if you don't, then i'm right about you.
you don't give a fuck.
never did,
and probably never will.

i shouldn't give a fuck either.
but i guess it's just harder when
you're left with all these questions
that would probably never be answered.
it's harder
when you're left with all the pieces
left behind to be picked up
and probably put back together.

i'm tired.
sick and tired of your foolish games.

you've broken my heart.

the truth hurts worse

than anything i could bring myself to do
to you.

i just want to bring you down so badly in the worst way.

i want to hurt you
with every cell in my body,
with all of my strength.
i want to beat you up so badly
that you won't be able to see the light of day.
bust your lips.
punch out a few teeth.
bruise your whole body.
cut your skin.
more like peel it off your body.
fish your eyes out.
anything to make you hurt.

in the end though,
i will end up hurting myself.
either way, i'm at the losing end.
i could never hurt you.

truth is
i'd rather cause myself pain than see you suffer.