my eyes burn from these tears.

All the emotions I tried to keep to myself were exposed to the public last night. It was really unexpected. It's just one of those things wherein I couldn't control what I felt anymore. I seriously didn't want that to happen, it just did. The song played, and for the first time in a long time I felt every single emotion I had in me all at the same time. I've never reacted like that to that song. I never felt the pain that intensely. I mean, sure, it would hurt before, but never like last night.

I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why.
Everything I kept to myself was out in the open.
I never wanted that.
I never wanted people to see me at my weakest.
I never wanted people to know that it still hurts.
Because most of the time, it doesn't.
But on moments that it does, the pain is unbearable.
I guess it was too much to handle.

My guts were spewed all over the fuckin floor.
It was a painful thing to watch.
My eyes are still swollen from all the drama.
It feels good though.
It feels good to put it all out there.

Did it feel good to watch me break down?

I wish it could just be simple..

like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me."
Boom. End of story.
We all live happily ever after.
But it is never really like that, is it?

John Tucker Must Die

I wish it was.
Then I wouldn't even have to bother wasting my time dreaming of him.

I want you so bad that it isn't even funny anymore.
I want him to want me.

I need you to need me.

Sit back and relax.

Watch it all fall back into place, or fall apart.
It hurts to see it all fade away. I just wish I could see it in his eyes.
I wish he needs me as much as I need him.
Can I not like you for a while?
But then again, I wish you would notice me. I know it's impossible.
Yet impossible is nothing.
Too many thoughts. I'm telling all of you, never leave me alone. It's dangerous for me. And for him.

If I could sleep walk to him, then I would.
So then I could say I killed him in my sleep.
Because I don't think I could do it awake.
When I'm awake, I kill myself slowly. So there's clearly no time to waste on plotting his death.
Too busy burying myself alive.





I'm back here.
I can't believe it.

Sit back and relapse.

If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We always used to have these outings. You know, the overnight ones. I probably was the most excited for them before. Until a few weeks ago when we had another one. Wasn't really up for it. I wasn't looking forward to anything. You see, I was only excited for these trips before because I'd get to spend more time with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to spend time with my friends, too. But he got me excited the most. The thought of being with him for over 24 hours was amazing.

So it was my first outing after the youknowwhat with youknowwho. I thought everything would be okay because my friends were there to keep me preoccupied. And then sleeping time came. And I was left there with my thoughts. I started regretting even going to that thing. When you leave me with my thoughts, this is what comes of it.


And as I sat in the darkness, I remembered how I never was alone at times like this.
I always had him.
Then I tell myself, "Drink, don't think."
And so I do.

Only this time, it's not enough.

You don't know what you do to me.

One moment could turn your life upside down.
Seeing you was probably the best thing that has happened to me.
You helped me up when I was face down on the dirt.



Sad thing is you don't even know it.

senses fail.

I picked up a very familiar scent some days ago.
Something I haven't smelled in about 15 weeks.
That scent is the one I would wake up to on some summer days.
It always made me feel safe.
Like I was home.
Like I had nowhere else to be but in his arms.
His scent made me feel like everything was going to be okay.
In a sense that no matter what would happen, he'd be right beside me, protecting me from the world.
I guess I got so used to him protecting me that when he let go, all I felt was fear.
Imagine 3 months full of nothing but fear.
Fear of nothing in particular.
Fear of everything.
It's crazy how that scent sent all these thoughts to this screen.
I'm tired of thinking of him.
It's exhausting.