are you still mine?

cause baby, i'm not alright when you go,
i'm not fine.
i never want you to go,
because i am all yours.
so please be all mine.

too late.
you're gone.
for good?
i think so.

should i choose water over wine?

passing out.
i love it.
it's like you're away from the world.
away from your problems.
away from your worries.
even for just a while.
for an instant,
everything that bothers you
vanishes.
everything that makes you wish your time on this place was over,
everything that makes you question your existence,
they all go away.

but then there's the day after.
everything you forgot comes crashing back into your world.
every single problem that you tried to avoid,
all your unanswered questions,
they are all back in your world.
reality.
it sucks.

i was told that this was an insane way to look at alcoholism.
but if it makes you feel better about yourself,
if it makes you happy,
then how is it so wrong?
how could something this awesome be so wrong?

i used to not drink at all.
but after you, all i could do is drink.

just because..


you used to be my way of passing out.
now, you're my day after.

see that line? i never should've crossed it.

i've forgotten about myself for the longest time.
i've let go of myself in the process.
i lost the old me along the way.
i don't hate who i am now.
who i am hates who i've been.
i want to be better than i am.

and now i can start anew.
i can do what i wish to do,
be with whoever i want,
i can be who i choose to be.


those 10 little green pills will change my life.
they already have.
the moment i saw them,
my heart skipped a beat.
it's like i fell in love with these things,
it was love at first sight.

"everyone
is either full of diet pills or shit.
and usually it's both."
i'm about to be a part of "everyone"

i'm ready for what lies ahead.
i can't wait.

new and improved me,
here i come.

upside down.

every single thought i had yesterday is contradicted by my thoughts today.
i seem to be like that lately.
hate you today.
love you tomorrow.
despise myself every single day.

i do regret more than i admit.
ever since i accepted what you wanted me to,
my mind has been at war with my heart.
the former wanting to forget about you,
the latter being stubborn and deciding to constantly remind me about you.
i want to forget you so badly.
but i'm afraid i am no longer in control of my thoughts and feelings.

inside out.

you want apologies.

boy, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever.
the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever.

it's over and done.
and i've accepted that.

now, only hatred fills my heart.
and maybe regret.
the regret of letting go of myself
just because i thought you were the one.
just because i thought this would last forever.
no, honey, it's not you i hate.
it's this insane way of thinking that something could actually last forever.
that something in my life could actually make sense.
that something can actually function right.

remember this:
nothing lasts forever. the only thing that's constant is change.
or something like that.

i can only laugh my ass off now.
l--m--a--o. peterpan. p33n. oh how i love you and your ways.

damn regret.

i still love you, you know.
not in the way that i did before.
but in a way that i am thankful that you saved me a whole lot of times.

damn regret.

realization:
what was once us now never was.

DAMN REGRET.

attention attention.

i hate that i love you too much to hate you.

i am all yours.

so please be all mine.

please be all mine.

please.

be.

all.



mine.

it's weird how this works.

in the last few waking moments before i lay myself down to sleep,
i find myself thinking of you.
of how we used to be
of what we could have been,
of how things between us are.

even if you have blocked me out of your life,
and even if i have learned to accept that,
i find myself wishing to be with you,
to be loved by you,
to be thought of.
and i hate myself for allowing this to happen.
i'm supposed to be over you by now,
but you keep pulling me back into your trap.

trying to drive me crazy, are you?

but despite these thoughts,
these feelings,
this twisted desire to be in your arms again,
despite hating myself for being weak,
i find myself thinking.
thinking if you ever think about these things, too.
if you ever feel these things, too.
if you ever long for me, too.


and i wonder if right at this moment,
maybe.
just maybe.
you're thinking of all this.


maybe.

just maybe.

you're missing me, too.

you want to feel shallow love.

you made her permanent in your life.
there is no escape now.
all my perceptions on how we're supposed to end up together,
all the plans that i have to reach you,
they all shattered into a million pieces.
it's crazy, i know.
how i could feel this passionately about you
and get absolutely nothing in return.
except, maybe, for the hope of you feeling the same way towards me.

one day.
someday.

love will tear us apart.

with what you said the other day,
i am convinced that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.
it hurt like hell to read that.
but if you really love her, what can i do?

it's crazy how this works.
we are miles, even worlds, apart.
we live in different times.
you don't even know of my existence.
and you love someone else.
yet here i am, longing to be the one you love.
wanting to make you happy.
craving for your presence.
but all you see is her.
trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns.
and i'll make sure you won't regret it.

it's far from likely that you would be able to read this.
but if by some strange reason, you do,
you wouldn't even know how to find me.
i would have crawled under a rock and died by that time.
you see how twisted this is?

my love for you is undeniable.
your love for her is, too.

this has been said so many times that i'm not sure if it matters.

i love you.

what if the world was a little more perfect?

would we be together?

i don't blame you for being you.

but you can't blame me for hating it.

i love the fact that you understood me in a way no one ever would.
i love the fact that you loved me like no one else could.
i love the fact that you accepted the real me when no one would.
i love the fact that you were always there whenever i needed you.

you were the only person i had for four years.
when everyone left me,
when everyone found someone new,
when everyone failed to understand me,
you were there.

and now that you're gone,
i have no one.

i hate the fact that you understood me in a way no one ever would.
i hate the fact that you loved me like no one else could.
i hate the fact that you accepted the real me when no one would.
i hate the fact that you were always there whenever i needed you.

snap back to reality.

for the first time in two weeks,
i had the chance to touch you.
to talk to you.
to kiss you.
you told me that everything was okay.
that we were okay.
we spent the whole day together.
you smiled at me
like you never have in a long time.
like you did four years ago.
you were happy.
i was happy.
we were happy.


and then in one instant,
everything was gone.
i was back to being ignored by you.
being avoided by you.
i was back to being kept away from you.


i was pretty sure i've moved on.
i guess my heart just wasn't ready yet.

you are light years away from me.

well at least that's what it seems like.
but despite the distance between us,
and considering that you don't really know me,
and i really don't know you,
you still haven't failed to amaze me.

on days that i feel hopeless,
you pop out of nowhere and make me smile.
the sad thing is that you don't even know what you do to me.
or for me.
you have saved me so many times.
from giving up.
from ending it all.
from myself.
and you don't even know it.

you are the light that guides me through the night.
you are my light.

you are my "light on in chicago."

and i know i should be home.

it gets the worst at night.

and as i sit here in this empty room,
thoughts of you start rushing through my mind.
i can't take it anymore.
that very familiar lump in my throat shows itself.
tears start welling up.

PATHETIC.

these days i am like waves being controlled by the moon.
when the sun is out, i am as happy as a five year old with no problems at all.
and when the moon creeps out of its humble abode,
i am back to being the eighteen year old with all the problems in the world.

i am back to reminiscing.
back to regretting the things i've done.
back to remembering what was.
and what probably will never be.
i am back to you.

i miss me. i miss you. i miss us.

but then again, i'm writing this while the moon is up.

i used to love night time.
'cause that's when we'd be talking.
i used to hate day time.
now i just can't wait for the sun to rise.

nocturnal no more.

forever suddenly got a lot shorter.

and i remember all the feelings.
and the day that they stopped for you.
i still don't understand that until this very day.
i guess sometimes things don't neccessarily have to make sense.

but we did.
right?
we made sense.
or am i just kidding myself?

my heart is just one of the many in need of rescue.
i hope i'm first on the list.

to my favorite scar.

as i was walking out of that place full of memories of how we used to be..
as i was thinking about the day you took me away from my problems..
that day we went away to that place where you made sure i knew that i was loved..
as i was looking back on all of that..
i realized.

you are my rushmore.
but i am just max fischer to you.
in a way that you see it's never going to work out.

but too bad for both of us.
i am just as stubborn as max fischer.
and as hopelessly hopeful as that girl in love with the purple-trumpet man.

you are so close yet so far.

i don't do too well on my own

bonnie and clyde.
yin and yang.
joe fox and kathleen kelly.
peter pan and tink.

pete and patrick.



me and you.

everything we had

is no longer there.

i thought of calling you a million times.

i'm just staying away because you asked me to.
i know moving on is a good thing. i guess i'm just scared.