December is for cynics.

If the rest of this month goes the way today did, I wouldn’t live to see 2009.

December sure is starting off with a bang. More like a gunshot through the back of my head.

i miss you.

I miss you more than I should.
I miss you more than I could take.
I miss you more than I thought I would after a year and a half of not being with you.
I miss you and it hurts like hell.
It hurts because I’m positive that you don’t miss me the way I miss you.
The way I long for you.
The way I need you.
The pain should subside by now, shouldn’t it? So why hasn’t it?

i rode a bus a few days ago that had shit for parts.

i guess the lights inside it were controlled by the engine or something because whenever it’d slow down, the lights would go dim, and when it’d speed up, they’d go brighter.
the windows that are usually made of glass were made of cardboard.
if ever that bus would crash, you wouldn’t die from the impact of the crash, you’d die of tetanus.
at that moment in time, i thought to myself “i’m about as broken down as this bus.”
i wonder if my friends are afraid to be with me because i might bring them down too.

lately my thoughts have just been…scattered.
my heart has been all over the place, too.

“this time i’ll try not to show that i am not letting go.”

maybe i have shit for parts, too?

Yes? No?

toasted skin.

As I stared out at the place i call my home,
I wondered what it would be like when I leave,
Leave for a country that would not accept me with open arms.

We’re among the clouds.
There’s no turning back now.

I spent the whole day watching One Tree Hill. Then my mom came home with some treats from Starbucks. We just sat on the bed, snacked on Belgian Waffles, chugged down our Coffee Jelly, and teared up whenever Nathan and Haley would fight. I finally got her to like something I like. I’m glad.

One of the best days ever.

It could all be so simple.

i would give anything

To stay in that moment
to be in your arms
to breathe the same air
to feel loved by you for even a moment.

get outta my head

veiny hands
dark eyes
chapped lips.

signs of (di)stress.
you make it harder for me to go on with my life.

i want you OUT.

one step at a time.

Why is it that others believe in us more than we believe in ourselves?

They say “you can do it” and we say “impossible.”

we live only but once

the day is fast approaching.

can’t wait.

i miss the way

you’d hold my nose whenever i’d feel cold.

sit back, relaX.

common sense

apparently not very common.

i wanna go where everyone feels the same.

i've been feeling left out lately
like i'm in the wrong community
can't the world be just one big happy family?
of course not.
when did life ever be fair?

the only rose among the thorns.
inferior to them all.
a threat, maybe.
someone to watch out for.
is there something on my face that keeps you away from me?
or is it the other way around?
i prefer the latter.

i miss me a year ago.
lonely, pathetic, and miserable
just like everybody else.
nowadays, being happy is wrong.
taboo.
is it my fault life works out for me?
at least for now.

everybody gets their way.
when will i ever get mine?

waiting on the world to change
into a place where you finally see me
like i see you.

there is nothing between us but air.

words written by her.
spoken to you.
felt by me.

slice me open and you will find countless shards of what used to be my heart.

hold on, we're almost there.

he loved me more than i could ever love myself.
he filled in the empty spaces. i was broken and he picked up all the pieces.
he helped me find my way. but in the midst of the journey, he up and left.
he abandoned me. i was lost once again. only at that time, it was worse.
i was lost and he was the only one who could save me. why? because he took away my ability to love.
to believe in people.
to believe in myself.
i couldn't even love myself for quite some time. because i loved him with all of me. i loved him so much that i forgot to save some for myself.
i gave him everything, and he willingly took it.
he gave what he can, but not everything. i took what i could.

i'm tired of settling.
i was never one to settle.
i always wanted more. worked for more. starved for more.

i hate that he changed me.
but i love myself now.
or at least i'm learning.

i'm so close that i can taste it.

dream to make believe.

i wish i would have known you before the world did.
before the world stole your soul.
i think i would have loved the way you used to be.
and i'm pretty sure you would have loved me too.
we could have made the world explode.
we would have been perfect for each other.
just like she's perfect for him.
i understand you. you think no one does, but i do.
i love the way you are.
but just seeing who you were before all this chaos
drives me insane.

countless 'maybe's.
endless 'what if's.
forever unanswered.

i'd like to believe that when we dream,
it's another world.
a whole new different world.
without all this imperfection.
without all these things stopping us from being together.
and i'd like to think that while i'm dreaming of you,
you're dreaming of me too.
we're together in that world.
and merely knowing that makes me happy.
ecstatic, in fact.

you are the reason why i wake up with a smile on my face.

i'd have to remember to thank you for that when i see you.

you get my teen heart beating faster.

he used to make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

at the moment, 2 men make my heart race.
one of them, unreachable. the other will never take me seriously.

"you will never cross paths with me."
and then you did.
and from then on, everything felt possible.
i felt like anything can happen.
i think you dreamt me alive.
and now, i feel invincible.
i think i might love you.

i never even noticed you.
until you noticed me, that is.
after so long, someone paid attention to me.
i was no longer invisible.
but it's all just a show. it can never be real.
i don't love you, though.
you just make my heart race so fast.
so fast that sometimes i think it's on the verge of exploding.
i want to fall in love with you. but i don't think i can.
i don't think you can, either.

sometimes i wish for you (to wish for me too).

I'm almost alive.

It feels great to have someone make your heart race 1298958947593759 miles per second.

Playful banter.
Shenanigans.
Parody.

I've learned to let go of all the hate and anger in my heart.
Just thinking of him makes me feel better.
It's nothing serious, really.
It sure ain't love.
It's just the feeling I get whenever I see him.
I feel like a little girl again, heart fluttering and all that jazz.
He makes me feel visible. After so many months of feeling inexistent in this world, being noticed feels like one hell of a rush.

Alive.

nice to know you.

GOODBYE.

i can feel the pressure.

my heart's racing. it's going about 41483702984019741 miles per hour. it's not the good kind though. it's the one that makes you feel like you want to throw up and cry at the same time. i hate this feeling. i'm probably going to explode in a while from all this pressure. i'm afraid i can't take it this time. i don't want to go back to being depressed and pathetic. although i probably am already. i'm just not prepared. i wasn't prepared to hear what she had to say. i wasn't prepared for the truth. i can't handle the truth.

i shouldn't have assumed. i guess that was my fault.

but i thought i was over it. i thought i was doing better than i was before. i guess i was fooling myself. or maybe i just forced myself to feel what i wanted to without really feeling it. i fooled myself. i fooled everyone. i honestly thought that i was doing great. i felt great. i stopped thinking of him constantly.

one word. just one word and my heart was broken all over again. just one fuckin word. putangina diba? PUTANGINA. All that hard work for NOTHING. Putangina talaga.

i need a drink. or 10. i need to not feel again. i need to be numb. to pass out. now.

tell me, can you feel the pressure now?